good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
