when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
