If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
