Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
