I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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