We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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