umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize