Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
