Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
