I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
