There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
