I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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