not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
