she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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