I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
