smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
