Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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