Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I did not marry a roomba.
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