textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize