dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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