I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
this just has baby written all over it
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
