Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
