did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
