My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
