I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
