WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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