How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize