I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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