Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
