When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
This is my gift to your gina
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Randomize
