I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
that's an acceptable place to lick
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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