Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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