WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
