I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
