There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
