I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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