she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
