my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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