My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
