You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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