at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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