I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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