hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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