he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Why is your signature on my underwear?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
