whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize