Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize