I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Green mimosas i think yes
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
