you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
