I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
