theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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