oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize