I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
