My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
