If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
